Beautiful Fraud

It’s a feeling I can’t quite describe, though I must feel it, for my family and my closest friends at least, but at the same time I don’t know if I do, because sometimes I can’t distinguish it  from other feelings such as a deep friendship or lust. The love for my family is undeniable, of course, but I suppose there are several kinds of love, and the one you feel towards your family is something you are already born with, it’s innate, inherited.

I wonder if anyone ever dies without feeling the cliché love, you know, the one between a man and a woman, that causes you deep pain when one is absent or hurt, the kind of love that makes someone gladly give away their own life to protect the object of his or her affection, and who is not in any way blood related. I hope I won’t. I may have liked a couple of guys, and sure, felt some deep feelings towards them, but I know that I never truly loved any of them. Nor for that matter, have I ever had my first kiss. And I don’t mean a literal “first kiss”, for I have already kissed and been kissed before, but that kiss that you read about in books or watch in movies, the ones that lift you from the ground and make you feel like flying, like shouting on the top of your lungs and expressing the happiness you feel in that one moment. And that stuff that there is only one right person for everyone, that seems so utterly impossible to find, and it makes me wonder if I ever will. 

The word love nowadays is wasted with no consideration for its actual meaning, it really saddens me to think that someday I may hear it but it will not be meaningful nor true. I want to feel the love that you hear about in so many popular stories, a love like Romeo and Juliet or James and Lily Potter. But mostly, I think I want to feel loved in that way, I want someone who truly misses me when I’m gone, that gets extremely jealous when someone else claims me as their own, someone I can share with my hopes, fears and dreams, and whose arms alone will make me forget about all the troubles in the world, make me feel safe and wanted. Even if it means I will eventually suffer or get hurt, it doesn’t matter, I mean, isn’t that a part of life? To feel both the good and the bad, and be able to get through it? Experiences. That’s what our lives are supposed to be filled with. I hate it when someone tells me “you shouldn’t dream so high” or “if you risk it you might get hurt”, the hell with it all! I would rather live a life full of adventure and intense feelings, even if they’re contradictory, than to spend a lifetime of boring and secure comfort without a single hint of excitement or spice.

I want to explore the world, to win an Oscar, to feel both the happiest and most miserable person on Earth, to fly, to dream higher and higher with no one to tell me to get down. I want to love and be loved in the most intense and smothering way possible, even if it means getting hurt sometimes,  just as long as I have felt it, even if only for a single second.

I want a life full of magic. Is that asking too much?

(Source: themostbeautifulfraud)